NFL Mock Draft That Won't Quite Look Like The Real One

This is it: the mock you've been waiting for. I'm certain to nail all 31 first round picks, so this is the place to look if you want to know who your team is taking.

1. Miami Dolphins: Jake Long, OT, Michigan- I just have a hunch.

2. St. Louis Rams: Chris Long, DL, Virginia- They were 21st in the league in sacks last season, and they could use a playmaker to upgrade their terrible defense. Also, ESPN said this is who they're going to take.

3. Atlanta Falcons: Glenn Dorsey, DT, Louisiana State- Before they signed Michael Turner, I would've had Darren McFadden go here. Now, their new head coach will try to model what he did in Jacksonville with his great tackles and try to replicate it.

4. Oakland Raiders: Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas- Their offense was straight up terrible last season, and McFadden might be the best player in the draft. He's a true playmaker that will instantly upgrade their running game.

5. Kansas City Chiefs: Vernon Gholston, DE, Ohio State- They just traded Jared Allen, and now they have a hole at end opposite Tamba Hali. Gholston was a productive player who proved to be incredibly athletic at the combine.

6. New York Jets: Leodis McKelvin, CB, Troy- Their pass defense was in the middle of the pack last year, but they could still use another corner. This would give them two first round corners in the last two years, and that'll give them a nice building block moving forward.

7. New England Patriots: Ryan Clady, OT, Boise State- I definitely think they're trading out of this pick because they won't want to deal with the big rookie contract. However, I'm not doing trades, so I'll give them the best guy at a position they might choose to address.

8. Baltimore Ravens: Matt Ryan, QB, Boston College- I don't like Matt Ryan at all. I don't think he's going to be successful, but in the NFL, teams take QB's high whether they deserve to go high or not.

9. Cincinnati Bengals: Sedrick Ellis, DT, Southern California- Their defense is still absolutely terrible, and getting an athletic tackle is a good place to start upgrading. They're pretty weak in the middle, but they could also choose to add another Linebacker.

10. New Orleans Saints: Mike Jenkins, CB, South Florida- They traded for Johnathan Vilma this offseason, so they might want to look to another position in the draft to fix the defense. Jenkins is a very good corner who can help improve an absolutely terrible secondary.

11. Buffalo Bills: Devin Thomas, WR, Michigan State- Wide Receiver is like QB in this draft. None of them should be taken particularly high, but someone will draft them because of need. The Bills apparently like Thomas, and I don't know who else I would put here.

12. Denver Broncos: Keith Rivers, OLB, Southern California- Their defense was surprisingly awful last season, and they need to get stronger against the run. Rivers is an athletic, productive player who has played against top notch competition.

13. Carolina Panthers: Branden Albert, OL, Virgnia- This guy has shot up draft boards because of the combine and private workouts, but I'm not going to buy into the hype as much as everyone else. Here's a good spot for him to land. Carolina needs to fix their line.

14. Chicago Bears: Jeff Otah, OT, Pittsburgh- Cedric Benson was terrible last year, and he's looking like more and more of a bust with each passing day. Is it because he can't play or because their line can't block? They'll find out next season.

15. Detroit Lions: Derrick Harvey, DE, Florida- They apparently really like Harvey, and it's kind of a gift that he falls this far. They want to strengthen their pass rush, and he can really get to the Quarterback.

16. Arizona Cardinals: Johnathan Stewart, RB, Oregon- He's a big, bruising RB, which is the kind of guy you'd think Ken Whisenhunt would want. Edgerrin James was a little better last season, but he's on his last legs, and the Cardinals need some youth at this position.

17. Kansas City Chiefs (from MIN): Chris Williams, OT, Vanderbilt- I almost ran out of tackles in the first round, but fortunately, I remembered Williams. He's another guy rising draft boards, and the Chiefs really need to rebuild the OL after some retirements over the years.

18. Houston Texans: Aqib Talib, CB, Kansas- After Dunta Robinson suffered a serious injury, Houston was left looking for answers at corner. Talib showed a lot of potential at Kansas, and I really want the next guy to fall to the Eagles.

19. Philadelphia Eagles: Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, CB, Tennessee State- I'm assuming Lito Sheppard is going to be traded, and that leaves them short one CB. DRC probably won't fall this far, so it's a nice little steal. He's also a great kick returner, which the Eagles desperately need.

20. Tampa Buccaneers: Limas Sweed, WR, Texas- This may be a bit of a reach, but I think he's the best receiver left on the board. He'll give them some size, and he can go over the middle. DeSean Jackson is a possibility, but he's more of a big deep threat, and Garcia's noodle arm might not be able to get the ball to him.

21. Washington Redskins: Phillip Merling, DE, Clemson- Their pass rush is still pretty lame, and Merling might be the player left on the board. He's a bit of a steal, and he's a complete end. Look for Washington to possibly do something stupid instead.

22. Dallas Cowboys (from CLE): Felix Jones, RB, Arkansas- They already have Marion Barber, but why not? He's going to give the rest of the NFC East headaches during his career. Dallas doesn't have many spots where they obviously need an upgrade, so they can afford to do something like this.

23. Pittsburgh Steelers: Kenny Phillips, S, Miami- Phillips will keep up Miami's first round streak alive, but I'm not sure if he'll go right here. They have that one guy who talks a lot of trash, but he's not a good player and the position can be upgraded.

24. Tennessee Titans: DeSean Jackson, WR, California- Their WR depth is ri-diculous, and with Pac Man Jones likely out the door, they could use a good return man too. Jackson can become a very good deep threat to help out Vince Young.

25. Seattle Seahawks: Gosder Cherilus, OT, Boston College- I'm not thrilled about this pick, and Seattle probably won't be either. I'd imagine they'll trade down.

26. Jacksonville Jaguars: Calais Campbell, DE, Miami- Their DL suddenly looks a bit thin, and they can add depth by selecting this guy that's kind of local. Campbell was absolutely brutal in workouts, so his stock has fallen dramatically.

27. San Diego Chargers: Sam Baker, OT, Southern California- This may be a bit of a reach, but they have a hole at RT now. The Chargers won't pick again until the 5th round, so there's also a good chance someone trades up to get someone they actually want.

28. Dallas Cowboys: Antoine Cason, CB, Arizona- Cason was rated highly on boards last year, and I have no idea what happened. Either way, the Cowboys need a new corner.

29. San Francisco 49ers (from IND): Jerod Mayo, MLB, Tennessee- Hey Jerry, can you keep an eye on the aquarium and make sure no one taps on the glass?

30. Green Bay Packers: John Carlson, TE, Notre Dame- They really don't have any glaring holes, but they could choose to add depth at corner if they wanted to. Carlson has soft hands, and he'll be able to help out Aaron Rodgers a lot in his development.

31. New England Patriots: Oops

32. New York Giants: Dan Connor, LB, Penn State- I still can't believe they won the Super Bowl. Their defense is the side of the ball that needs the most help, and they could go LB or DB here. Connor is a guy not being respected by a lot of places, and I think he's a better prospect than Paul was.

There it is. The first round of the NFL draft. I'm kind of hoping I didn't forget anyone.